After Divorce Advice

imageseweTake Time To Heal

After going through a divorce, many individuals decide to rebound immediately by jumping into another relationship. The person starts a new relationship while still carrying a lot of baggage from their failed marriage. If you do this, not only are you adding more baggage to your life, but you are also dumping your old baggage into the new person’s life. If this becomes a pattern, you will find yourself weighed down with so much emotional baggage that you can become dysfunctional, depressed and even suicidal.

Take time to heal after your divorce. You should never act as if it didn’t happen to you. It did. And because it did, you have been wounded in ways that need to be tended to.

Reflect on Yourself

After going through a divorce, it is so easy to rehash everything, from the outside, that caused the divorce. For example, you think about what your spouse did to you, whether it was infidelity, abuse or putting his or her career before your marriage. Looking at things that happened on the outside will not benefit you; what has been done is done. Dwelling on what your spouse did will cause you to become bitter instead of better. But reflecting on your inner person, the real you, can aid in the healing process. Through self-reflection, you can ponder the lessons you learned about yourself through the marriage and divorce process.

Not only can you learn things about yourself, but you can also think about what lessons you learned that you can teach somebody else. For example, during the self-reflection process, if you realize that you weren’t truly there for your spouse as you should have been or if you were rarely affectionate, you can teach these lessons to someone else whose marriage is in trouble. You can tell them your experience and advise them not to go down the same road you have traveled. In self-reflection, you can become a sort of role model to others because you have spit out the bad and kept the good. If the example of your failure can cause another marriage to be saved, then yours wasn’t a total loss.

Deal With It

Don’t pretend that the traumatic experience you have gone through did not hurt. If you are hurting, don’t bury the hurt. Let it out in a way that will bring forth healing. One way to acknowledge the hurt is to write down everything that has hurt you concerning the divorce. Write down things that happened during the marriage that caused you pain and heartache. By writing the things down, it is like pulling a bandage off an old wound that has been covered up for a long time, but one that never completely healed. As you write down those painful memories, recall how you felt when it happened. Allow yourself to cry. Tears alone can be a form of healing. It’s like cleansing your inner person, your soul and your spirit.

After writing it down and crying about it, you have to eventually let go and move forward. As a symbol of your decision to move forward, burn up the piece of paper that contains the experiences. Watch the paper turn to ashes. As the paper turns to ashes, see yourself moving forward. You can’t move forward while looking backward. Refuse to look back on the failed marriage. Every time the memories begin to resurface, just tell yourself, “I’ve buried that. I’m moving forward.”

Forgive

There is no way you can truly move forward after a divorce until you forgive yourself and your spouse for anything either of you may have done to contribute to the divorce. As long as you are walking in unforgiving, you are not truly healed. As long as you are unforgiving toward the person, he or she still has control over you. Forgiveness is not a feeling; it is a choice. When you choose to forgive, even though you might not feel like it, then true healing will slowly come from within your inner person.

Take Care of Yourself

Sometimes when people experience divorce, they tend to stop taking care of themselves. You should take a day every week to celebrate yourself. Do something special for yourself. Go to a bookstore or cafe to sit down and read a book while enjoying your favorite cup of coffee. Go to the beach or park to enjoy the land and water. Take yourself to the movies. Get used to doing things by yourself instead of being depressed because you no longer have a spouse to go out with.

Groom yourself well. Fix your hair up. Put on the stilettos. Put on the suit. Look like a million bucks when you walk out of your home, instead of walking around looking like a train wreck. You don’t have to feel like a million bucks to look like a million bucks. But if you keep doing it long enough, you will begin to feel it as well.

Look at yourself in the mirror and tell yourself how wonderful you are. Tell yourself how beautiful you are. You might not feel your positive confessions are true when you first start talking to yourself, but after a while you will notice that your positive confessions are building you up on the inside. You will find yourself becoming stronger and stronger. You will see that you can and will survive life after divorce.

Divorce Causes & Effects

imagesuuAccording to Divorce Magazine, over 40,000 people in the state of New York alone are divorced. As the divorce rate continues to rise, it is important for society to focus on the reasons why so many marriages end in divorce as well as the effects that divorce can have on children and society.

Cause: Cheating and Commitment Issues

It is important for both partners in a marriage to continue to invest time and energy into being committed to their spouse. If a marriage lacks commitment, one or both of the partners can wind up seeking physical or emotional support elsewhere. It can be difficult for a marriage to ever fully rebound after one of the partners strays. If the partner who is betrayed is not able to fully to forgive her spouse, the marriage may continue to fall apart.

Effect: The Impact on Children

A serious issue in society continues to revolve around how divorce affects children. Many children of divorce can find themselves feeling responsible for their parents’ divorce if they are not properly counseled by their parents and a therapist during and after the divorce. Some children from divorced homes will have trouble forming relationships during their teens and 20s due to what happened during their parents’ divorce. If one parent cheated on the other, a teen may have trouble trusting his own girlfriend.

Cause: Lack of Communication

Although things such as money issues and differences over raising kids are both linked to being causes of divorce, these types of issues harken back to a lack of communication. It is very important for a married couple to be very open about beliefs and weekly spending habits. Couples need to communicate often about things such as what punishment is appropriate when a teen breaks curfew or how much of each person’s paycheck should be put into savings. Not communicating about these things will only lead to conflict and a potential divorce down the road.

Effect: Money Trouble

Divorce is a big hit on the wallet. Messy divorce battles can result in high legal fees, draining the bank accounts of both parties involved. In addition, one or both members of the couple getting divorced may have to adjust to a new lifestyle and way of spending. If one spouse didn’t work during the marriage, she may be low on funds while she searches for a new job. The non-custodial parent will have to learn to live with a chunk of money being taken out of his weekly paycheck to pay child support.

The Top 5 Effects of Divorce to Expect

erererfedfWhen you get divorced there are many different effects of divorce that you may not have thought about. These can be things that affect you, your ex-spouse, and your children. Divorce is not an easy thing to go through and you really have to know what you are getting into before you start the process. Here are the top 5 effects of divorce.

1. Money

Your money flow could be affected in a negative or a positive way due to a divorce. This all depends on what you are making right now and how the family is being supported by you and your spouse. The money can be affected in a way that will cause a change in the way you live, your housing, the work you do, and many other things.

2. Children

Another huge part of the divorce and the effects of divorce is what will happen with the children. This does not have to be a negative thing because children are going to notice if you are happier because of the divorce. However, if both parents are good parents you want to make sure they get to see their children and often.

Make sure you work out who will be taking the children full time and who will be taking them part time. When you do this you need to consider who is better equipped to take care of them and which parent is going to have the time to be there when the children need them. The best situation would be if you could both alternate weeks or even a few days of the week, but this is not always possible.

3. Fear

Even though you may not think so one of the effects of divorce is fear. You may be afraid of living alone and even afraid of getting back out into the dating pool. This can be scary and you need to take your time and understand that keeping yourself busy with positive things can help you deal with this type of fear.

4. Lifestyle

After a divorce you are single, which is probably very new to you. This means that you can go out and date, you don’t have anybody to answer to, and you have freedom that you may have lacked during the marriage. You need to embrace this so that you can move on with your life and find the right person to make you happy.

5. Your Relationship

The thing that will be affected the most by divorce is the relationship you have with the person you once decided to marry. This can be a good thing or a bad thing depending on how you handle it. Not everybody deals with divorce the same, but if it is mutual or something you know you cannot change the best thing you can do is remain friends.