So you’ve had a divorce. ..

In your community, do you feel like the odd person out; do you feel like you’re the only divorced person with a failed marriage under your belt? You’re not.

Getting divorced isn’t easy, especially when you feel completely isolated from married friends who don’t understand, your children who are acting out, and your parents who you feel think that you’ve failed.

Whether you’ve been married to a person for 20 years or 2 years, divorce can have the same detrimental effect on your ego, happiness, body, spirit, work, and relationships. Once we accept how hurtful divorce can be on nearly every aspect of our lives, then we can move forward and learn to how to rebuild, starting at the foundation.

 “The emotional levels one needs to work through during and following divorce are very much parallel to the stages on goes through at the time of death. At first, there is a denial of the events that have taken place and a consequent feeling of wanting to isolate oneself from the whole situation. Then anger, wherein one blames someone else for one’s predicament.

The third level is bargaining; a kind of situation in which one wants to look at the ledger to see that things are equal. This is often manifested over the custody of children and property settlements at the time of divorce. Then comes a period of depression, which is where much self-hatred, self-blame and feelings of failure are present.

Finally, after all of this, one comes to the acceptance of the situation and an acceptance of the self. Out of this comes hope for what can happen. I believe Bruce Fisher’s book makes it possible for people to work through these various levels, stage-by-stage. It is important to give this rebuilding period the time it needs, to awaken parts of the self that have been paralyzed, repressed, or unknown. Let each self-in this case the divorced person-come into the next part of life with hope rather than failure!”

-Virginia M. Satir, M.S.W.

Pain is translated as:

• Anger
• Hatred
• Sadness
• Depression
• Sickness
• Hurt (Physical)
• Hurt (Emotional)

Pain does not:

• Make you less of a man
• Make you less of a woman
• Make you weak
• Make you stupid
• Make you smart
• Make you a martyr

Rebuilding Blocks:

We will use the pyramid of “Rebuilding Blocks” designed by Dr. Bruce Fisher to symbolize the mountain that you will climb on this journey to rebuild after your divorce. “Rebuilding means climbing that mountain, and for most of us it’s a difficult journey. Some people don’t have the strength and stamina to make it to the top; they stop off somewhere on the trail. Some of us are seduced in to another important love relationship before learning all that we can from the pain. They too drop out before reaching the top, and they miss the magnificent view of life that comes from climbing the mountain. Some withdraw into the shelter of a cave, in their own little worlds, and watch the procession go by-another group which never reaches the top. And, sadly, there are a few who choose self-destruction, jumping off the first cliff that looms along the trail.” (Fisher 5-6)

How long will this take?

“Studies with the Fisher Divorce Adjustment Scale indicate that on the average it takes about a year to get up above the tree line (past the really painful, negative stages of the climb), longer to reach the top. Some will make it in less time, others more. Some research suggests that a few in our climbing party will need as long as three to five years. Don’t let that discourage you. Finishing the climb is what counts, not how long it takes. Just remember that you climb at your own rate, and don’t get rattled if some pass you along the way.”

We all go through similar patterns when ending a relationship, or any crisis in our lives. Rather than using the tools you use in this course for only divorce, think of it as “Rebuilding After Crisis,” because that’s really what you’ve gone through. A crisis.

Sometimes being in a supportive group or having a mentor can help. Check out our After Divorce Programs.