In your community, do you feel like the odd person out; do you feel like you’re the only divorced person with a failed marriage under your belt? You’re not.
Getting divorced isn’t easy, especially when you feel completely isolated from married friends who don’t understand, your children who are acting out, and your parents who you feel think that you’ve failed.
Whether you’ve been married to a person for 20 years or 2 years, divorce can have the same detrimental effect on your ego, happiness, body, spirit, work, and relationships. Once we accept how hurtful divorce can be on nearly every aspect of our lives, then we can move forward and learn to how to rebuild, starting at the foundation.
“The emotional levels one needs to work through during and following divorce are very much parallel to the stages on goes through at the time of death. At first, there is a denial of the events that have taken place and a consequent feeling of wanting to isolate oneself from the whole situation. Then anger, wherein one blames someone else for one’s predicament.
The third level is bargaining; a kind of situation in which one wants to look at the ledger to see that things are equal. This is often manifested over the custody of children and property settlements at the time of divorce. Then comes a period of depression, which is where much self-hatred, self-blame and feelings of failure are present.
Finally, after all of this, one comes to the acceptance of the situation and an acceptance of the self. Out of this comes hope for what can happen. I believe Bruce Fisher’s book makes it possible for people to work through these various levels, stage-by-stage. It is important to give this rebuilding period the time it needs, to awaken parts of the self that have been paralyzed, repressed, or unknown. Let each self-in this case the divorced person-come into the next part of life with hope rather than failure!”
-Virginia M. Satir, M.S.W.
Pain is translated as:
Anger
Hatred
Sadness
Depression
Sickness
Hurt (Physical)
Hurt (Emotional)
Pain does not:
Make you less of a man
Make you less of a woman
Make you weak
Make you stupid
Make you smart
Make you a martyr
Rebuilding Blocks:
We will use the pyramid of “Rebuilding Blocks” designed by Dr. Bruce Fisher to symbolize the mountain that you will climb on this journey to rebuild after your divorce. “Rebuilding means climbing that mountain, and for most of us it’s a difficult journey. Some people don’t have the strength and stamina to make it to the top; they stop off somewhere on the trail. Some of us are seduced in to another important love relationship before learning all that we can from the pain. They too drop out before reaching the top, and they miss the magnificent view of life that comes from climbing the mountain. Some withdraw into the shelter of a cave, in their own little worlds, and watch the procession go by-another group which never reaches the top. And, sadly, there are a few who choose self-destruction, jumping off the first cliff that looms along the trail.” (Fisher 5-6)
How long will this take?
“Studies with the Fisher Divorce Adjustment Scale indicate that on the average it takes about a year to get up above the tree line (past the really painful, negative stages of the climb), longer to reach the top. Some will make it in less time, others more. Some research suggests that a few in our climbing party will need as long as three to five years. Don’t let that discourage you. Finishing the climb is what counts, not how long it takes. Just remember that you climb at your own rate, and don’t get rattled if some pass you along the way.”
We all go through similar patterns when ending a relationship, or any crisis in our lives. Rather than using the tools you use in this course for only divorce, think of it as “Rebuilding After Crisis,” because that’s really what you’ve gone through. A crisis.
Sometimes being in a supportive group or having a mentor can help. Check out our After Divorce Programs.
In life, I have come to accept the fact that there are questions of mine that will never be answered to my satisfaction if at all. I have come to accept the fact that some things in life are beyond my comprehension and I must trust or have faith that certain occurrences are indeed outside the realm
...»
Here's a fascinating take on divorce that I find more true than not: We choose our spouses, usually subconsciously, as a means to healing old emotional wounds we have been carrying around our entire life. Our divorce then becomes the wakeup call to clean up that mental baggage we have been lugging
...»
Fear of our future after divorce keeps us stuck in the pain of the past. This fear prompts our mind chatter to paint a bleak picture of an uncertain future, which in turn creates a disempowering and negative attitude towards life. A negative attitude on life becomes all pervasive and leaves us powe
...»
It took hours of therapy, and more hours drinking vodka cranberries with friends, to figure out why I was in this sexually rewarding yet emotionally draining downward cycle. And the answer is that I was addicted to charismatic, unstable and emotionally unpredictable women.
...»
For the modern man getting back into dating after a divorce, I'd heartily recommend teaming up with your sister, a platonic female friend or a pal's wife. Women can provide you with a look behind the curtain and will give you excellent scouting reports, most of which you will ignore at your own peri
...»
My marriage ended with a whimper, not a bang. In 2002, after nine years together, my wife and I split up in a parking lot. Not that I didn't see it coming. There had been couples counseling, crying fits and final chances.
...»
The ability to move on after your divorce entails the letting go of the past with its emotional baggage and negative emotions. If you can accomplish this feat then the heavy burdens you have been carrying will lift and you will experience the liberation of freedom: the ability to move unimpeded tow
...»
What do you think of people who are detached from reality? People that are seemingly living in a world of their own making? It unnerving to say the least as well as truly sad. Yet for those of us attempting to recover from a divorce, our inability to fully accept our new reality is not too far re
...»
If there was an Oscar for the Greatest Marriage Ruse, Madonna and Guy Ritchie would deserve to win it. There was a collective sigh of relief when the couple announced in October last year they were splitting up because they couldn't 'bear to live with the pretense any longer'. They weren't the only
...»
The most recent statistics show that about 50% of all marriages end in divorce. It is not very encouraging to enter into any kind of relationship knowing that it only has a 50/50 chance of being successful. Failure at anything is never pleasant, but there is one good thing about divorce. You are now
...»
Being in a loveless marriage is a frustrating predicament, but it may not necessarily mean that a divorce is eminent. Solving the quandary of a loveless marriage requires self-reflection to assess the situation, courage to try to create a team effort for the best decision with your spouse, and gumpt
...»
When making a divorce decision, there are quite a few things that you should consider. Too often people find themselves unable to clearly identify what they need to think about when making a divorce decision which leads to further indecision and frustration. When making serious divorce decisions, ha
...»
When do you need to hire a family law attorney and when is it okay to just use an online divorce form website to save a little money? This article will provide a few pointers to help you decide whether to do it yourself or retain a divorce lawyer.
...»
If you are in a sexless marriage and are unhappy because of it, don't worry, it isn't unrecoverable but it is serious cause for concern. You may even be thinking that you need a divorce because of your sexless marriage, that's only natural. But, in order to really decide what to do, some thinking ne
...»
Having a marriage problem can be agonizing especially if you're trying to do all you can to make your marriage work. Depending on how your marriage was prior to thinking that you had a marriage problem, you could be in for a hurtful time if you don't take a step back and look at your marriage proble
...»
Women who believe a divorce is a possibility or who think that their husband will be asking about getting a divorce at some point should put their emotions aside and plan "just in case" their intuition is correct that a divorce may be coming in the near future. If women who believe that the "divorce
...»
Stay Married
Along with any tough decision comes reluctance, especially when that decision involves an actual process and might potentially involve emotional pain or anguish. Deciding whether or not to get a divorce or stay married can be a frightening time for most people, even if they know deep i
...»
Dating is tough for just about everybody, but it's even tougher for people who are divorced and widowed. Along with the fears of being "out of practice," there are often children's feelings to consider.
...»
We have been going through some of the worst economic times since The Great Depression. Numerous articles and newscasts have stated either that the housing market has bottomed out, or is still going down. In
...»
In these tough economic times, where people are trying to save money and want to have an amicable divorce, an excellent way to do this is through a pre-divorce mediation package. I have handled several of these successfully, and would like to explain how it works.
In these troubled economic times, more and more people are turning to the protection of the U.S. Bankruptcy Code to resolve their debts and protect their property from foreclosure and repossession.
The way to recover and thrive after divorce is simple: Until you can release the toxic emotions surrounding your divorce, it is impossible for you to move forward i
...»
Your divorce decree is only step one in moving into a new life after divorce. The real divorce is the cutting of the emotional, mental and physical ties t
...»
